It's really happening—the end of this incredible, life-changing experience in Chile. Words cannot explain my overwhelming mix of emotions and thoughts right now...I've had my moments of pure joy at the realization that I've had an experience that's even better than what I imagined. On Tuesday I finished my ISP and had it printed and bound, per SIT regulations, and went back to the printing place in the evening to pick it up. As soon as I got back home I just sat down on my bed and started sobbing—holding my project in my hands and seeing my name on the title page was incredibly surreal. In our applications to the program we had to discuss our ISP idea/topic and even though mine (and many others') completely changed, it still means that the ISP has been on my mind since I started my application in Professor Mills' English Writing class a year ago. Then we got here and started reading previous students' ISPs in the Casa SIT library. Then we worked on proposals and plans throughout the semester, ultimately culminating in a crazy month of May saturated with interviews, running around Valpo (and the rest of the country since people were everywhere from the tippy-top of Chile to Patagonia in the Sur), freaking out in Danko's office, and ultimately spending many an hora on the computer doing a lit review of previous authors' work and then writing up my own project.
But I digress a little—my real point was that seeing my finished project all pretty and bound (and we're NOT going to discuss the Occidental College à Occidental Collage debacle...let's just say I'm really glad that white-out does indeed exist in Chile) brought up the crazy mass of emotions that I'd been keeping at bay while focusing on my ISP. Now when I light the manual heater in our apartment to take a shower, I get this little pang of sadness because it's one of the last times I'll do it. Cecilia showed me how to do it practically as soon as we walked in the door after they picked me up at the hotel, so I will always associate it with my first couple days adjusting to my life here. Hopping in micros and colectivos is suddenly a slightly-nostalgic, instead of slightly-nauseating, experience. I keep stopping on walks everywhere just because I'm realizing that it's close to the end and I'm not going to walk by Location X a million more times.
It may seem a little silly but I am realizing that people and pets are not the only things we mourn; on the contrary, experiences and places are very much living, breathing entities to which we have to say good-bye in the same way we would a loved one. True, I can come back to Chile someday (by someday, I actually mean ASAP...sigh) but it will never be the same. This is a good thing; obviously it would be bad if my love for this country depended on the program. But it is still overwhelmingly strange to realize that this chapter is closing and no matter how many times I come back to this wonderfully quirky and culturally rich country, the precise feeling of these extraordinary past three+ months will never be the same. It's good, it's hard, it's a challenge for us all in many kinds of contextualized experiences like this one—I went through it with Governor's School, I'm going through it now, and I'll probably go through it next year when I graduate from college (don'tevengetmestartedholycow). Danko likes to talk about the dialectic discourse (he is, after all, my favorite Communist) and it is very true that this experience is one of many that we will have in our lives. Right now it is very difficult to realize that, after a couple years, I probably won't be in super-steady contact with my host family even though right now I'm already planning their Christmas package and photo-packed update letters. It's just the way life is and, honestly, the way it's supposed to be. We deserve to be happy wherever we are in life, geographically and otherwise. For me and many people I know, part of this happiness includes keeping in touch with people and places that we don't get to see all the time, and that's okay. But if there's one thing I've learned this semester (and there's not, it's more like 40879184 things) it's that every experience can only be as good as you make it—sure, external factors can make it worse, but the goodness factor is totally dependent on your willingness to give it your all and try to appreciate each day.
Okay, I actually meant to write about things other than my existential ramblings on the life, so instead I will show via photos. The parental visit was a smashing success; it was super fun to show the Donna and the Neal around my adopted país (country) and they are now BFFs with Cecilia and Hector. Awesome. We discovered that my real dad and Chilean dad like the same kind of music and the same kinds of copetes (drinks—namely, dark beers and Drambuie) and Cecilia was excited that she and my mother both love the color purple—then she knitted her a lavender poncho! All in all, a very successful trip and the source of a lot of my Dawson's Creek-style pensiveness since it is always interesting to view your own life through the eyes and ears of someone visiting it. Especially when those visitors are your parents ; )
We close with some photos...as excited as I am for Argentina and my last little bit of chillin' in Chile, I truly ache at times for Wayne amigas (a.k.a. my heart and soul) and Oxy life (a.k.a. mi corazón e alma because Oxy's in Los Angeles so we say it en español). I have high hopes for this summer and am trying not to freak out about being a senior in college in the fall. Speaking of seniors, I really wish I could be in Los Angeles shortly for the high school graduation of a certain Caroline Alexis Crane, my baby cousin who grew up all too fast. Felicidades, mi prima linda! I am there in spirit and expect ample photo documentation afterwards!
Como siempre, un abrazo a todos...
Photos from top left corner: General cemetery in Santiago when I went to get mis padres; ALL FOUR OF MY FABULOUS PARENTS together in front of the President's vacation pad in Cerro Castillo, which was open for the annual patromonial day; with Cecilia and Hector with the view of the ocean outside the Palacio Presidental; view from the coast with the familia.
3 comments:
i had many of the same feelings leaving london- it is very surreal to think that you won't visit a certain store anymore or walk by some random building that you never really took notice of but was part of your day anyway... that said, you can treasure all of the memories you have and expect to go back and visit someday! PLUS, you have chilis to look forward to in good old wayne :) xoxo
E-Cuts, you just described so eloquently the feelings that I think almost every study abroad student has leaving the country they've come to view as home, and it really put into words what I hadn't really been able to touch on.
I am so excited to see you and the rest of the Oxy-folk some time near in the future and loooove you so much! Have a safe time in Argentina and in all the rest of your adventures...I expect a phone call/fax/FB post/blog update/telepathic note letting me know when you're home safe!
ahhh how i relate! when you go back (you will!) let me know and i want to come with you!
and try the helado in BsAs, i ate it pretty much every day, no joke.
the best thing about you coming back is that hopefully we can meet and raaaaamble on about chile if and when i come visit rach at oxy!
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